


tommyinnit is not ok

by orphan_account



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, please dont read this if any of this triggers you, this is me venting and i dont know how else to do it im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:08:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25581856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He lays in bed at night and wonders if the world would be better without him. The thoughts are fleeting, and then somehow they aren’t. They’re all he can think about, and still he forces fake laughs and pretends and pretends and pretends until waking up physically hurts.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 1077





	tommyinnit is not ok

TommyInnit is a persona. On camera he jokes, and he laughs, and he pretends the comments don’t hurt. 

TommyInnit is loud and boisterous but he is anything but that. At the beginning it was easy to slip into, almost like a second skin. But now the lines are so blurred Tommy almost doesn’t know who he is anymore.

He listens to his friends tell him he’s annoying and he fakes indiginance and pretends he isn’t struggling to breathe.

He pretends that it’s a funny bit when he’s blocked by his friends. Logically, he knows it is. But he can’t help the tears that fall from his eyes, and he wonders if they’re only friends with him because they pity him. He wonders if they all think him a hindrance, a nagging child.

He pretends he doesn’t see the sexual comments, brushes them off and hopes his mods have banned them. 

He pretends the sexual comments his own friends make are funny, tells himself no one could possibly know what happened to him, that they would never joke if they knew.

He tells his chat he is just tired when all his comments are about how he doesn’t seem like himself, and he silently chides himself for letting his armor lift, even if only for a minute.

No one can know that he isn’t ok, his entire persona rides on him being this loud kid with thick skin. 

He lays in bed at night and wonders if the world would be better without him. The thoughts are fleeting, and then somehow they aren’t. They’re all he can think about, and still he forces fake laughs and pretends and pretends and pretends until waking up physically hurts.

He doesn’t stream for a few days, says he is on vacation. He can’t tell if he’s more hurt or relieved when people believe it.

A few days after his alleged vacation, he gets a comment. “I bet he’d look good under me.” He ends the stream and spends the next hour dry heaving into the wastebasket beside his bed.

He stops wearing short sleeves.

One day on twitter, a thread pops up on his timeline. It’s people quote retweeting with the age they were sexually assaulted. 

He doesn’t think. He types out “I was 16”, and as soon as he tweets it he regrets it. He deletes it after only a minute, but the damage is already done. People are spreading a screenshot, dming him and asking if he’s ok.

He deactivates his account. This, of course, only adds fuel to the fire, and soon his friends are messaging him. After he declines a call from Tubbo for the third time, he powers off his phone and stares at the ceiling, imagining how good it would feel to be gone.

He can’t ignore it forever though, and after he has slept for almost sixteen hours he is forced to deal with it.

He turns on his phone and is immediately hit with a wave of notifications. He deletes all of them, and rubs his eyes tiredly. Maybe he should go back to sleep.

He doesn’t. Instead he sets up his webcam and starts streaming. He pretends nothing is wrong. He ignores the comments. It’s only after Wilbur has commented asking if he’s ok that Tommy cracks. 

He begins to cry. He’s trying to apologize through tears but he can barely breathe and his lungs feel like they’re burning from the inside out. 

He mutes himself and turns off his face cam. Ending stream now would only cause more worry, and he doesn’t think he can handle any more questions. 

After he can breathe again, he opens his face cam and makes it full screen. He unmutes himself. He rubs his eyes and sniffles. 

“Two months ago, someone I thought was my friend did things to me without my consent. It’s no one you know, please don’t ask who it is. I’m only talking about it now because people are asking me and I can’t avoid it forever and I don’t think I can keep up a charade anymore. I don’t know when I’ll stream next. I… I need to go.”

He ends his stream. He wipes his tears. He gets in the shower. He stands under the hot stream of water until his fingers are wrinkly and his lungs don’t feel like they are screaming for air. He gets out and changes into a hoodie and sweatpants. And then he goes on discord.

He starts a call with Wilbur. Wilbur picks up after the first ring. He doesn’t even get a chance to breathe before Wilbur is talking, soothing him and apologizing and he can’t help it, he begins to cry again.

It’s been so long since he’s been comforted, so long since someone has taken care of him, and it feels so deeply good that it almost hurts.

He tells Wilbur everything. How he hasn’t been eating well, how he’s been hurting himself, how he can’t stop thinking of death.

Wilbur cries. He cries, and he apologizes for not noticing, for not being there, and he tells him he loves him and that Tommy is the closest thing to a younger brother that he will ever have and that he isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. 

After that, they talk. Tommy asks him to add more people to the call, his friends, to tell them what he told Wilbur, to reassure them that he is ok. 

A lot of them cry. Some of them get angry, quickly assuring him that they aren’t mad at him, they’re mad at the person who did this to him, and at themselves for not knowing. 

But they all say one thing the same. They all tell him they love him. 

Tommy starts streaming again, and it’s hard at first, but after the first few streams it gets easier. He laughs and jokes more openly, he’s more honest, a little less scripted.

He starts a stream every Wednesday, to bring more awareness to sexual assault and to raise money for charities that help. 

He starts going to therapy. He gets diagnosed with PTSD, and he’s prescribed with medication. Talking about it helps. It feels good, it feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. 

His fans have nothing but love to show him, and he sometimes gets so overwhelmed by the kindness that he has to end his stream early. 

He still has bad days. But they’re easier to deal with now. He talks to his friends, and he plays Minecraft, and he thinks that maybe, He’ll be ok.

**Author's Note:**

> please be safe, i love you all


End file.
